Loosening My Grip
On control, on responsibility, and on who I thought I needed to be for everyone else.
I am struggling with 2 things right now.
One is the heart-breaking decision I have to make of letting Maya go. It had crossed my mind several times, but I never gave it any more thought. I didn't want to. One day, I realized that Josh, my husband, had those thoughts as well. He said something that told me so.
On another day, after it rolled through my mind like a roller coaster that wouldn't stop, I had to shine a very focused light on what Josh had lightly mentioned about Maya. I told him that I had had split-second thoughts about leaving Maya with a good person or family here in New Mexico. He was surprised that I had those thoughts and figured it was just in his mind.
I told him that since he mentioned it out loud, it has been the thing keeping me awake now. Not literally, but it has been a very heavy thought, and we needed to talk this out.
We both agreed that on top of the flight, the unfamiliar stay, the unfamiliar environment, the unfamiliar everything, we won't have time for her like we have had for the past 4 years. We have to figure out what we can do to start a business in Japan, and that will take a lot of time and effort on our part.
Then, on top of that, there is no guarantee we will stay in Japan. If we can't figure it out there, we will have to move on to another venture. Which means after she finally starts getting used to a new place, we have to fly again, get used to another place again, get used to us not being home as much again... We may not see stability for a while. It will not be fair to Maya, and it breaks my heart to even talk about it.
I cried as Josh and I discussed this. I cried every time I talked to friends who could potentially take her. I cried so much. I am better now, but I still cry when I find a potential someone and take the chance to talk to them.
With her energy level, I worry her future people won't have as much time as we had for her. I worry that she won't get as much love and attention as we have given her. I understand that I have no power over what will happen, but if I trust the process and let things happen without my control over them, the right family will appear. This is the hardest "let go of control" I have ever experienced.
The second thing I am struggling with is my affection toward my husband. I love him dearly, and I would do anything for him, but somehow intimacy is still an issue. If you read my book, you would know it has been a struggle. Sometime after my book got published, though, I learned something.
Intimacy started declining in 2016, not just when I started my massage practice, but also the same year my brother moved in. It was getting worse as the years passed, but after the miscarriage, it got significantly worse. Recently, I found out it wasn't the miscarriage that caused it to be worse. It was the fact that I no longer had time alone at my office. I shut my practice down to pursue full-time writing, which caused me to stay home all day, every day.
Because I was no longer massaging, which was physically demanding, and could do whatever I wanted to do, I felt like I was living the ultimate life of me-time. Turns out, it was so far from the truth.
We started couples therapy. I asked Josh if he would mind doing this with me. We may not feel like we absolutely need it, but I personally felt like I needed it, and this wasn't something I could do on my own since it has everything to do with intimacy. He agreed and started therapy almost 4 weeks ago.
What I mentioned about what I had learned recently came to me after the last session. Before this session, we talked about how his touch was no longer safe to me. There was so much pressure from taking care of everyone that sex had become another chore of "taking care of my husband." I wanted to want him, but I was so tired.
Last session, we pinpointed the fact that no matter what I am doing, I always think of somebody else. I want to do something, but it will be more fun with Josh. I want boba, but I will do that on my way home so I can get one for Mom too. I want to go hiking, but I will do that when I can take Maya, my dog, with me so she can enjoy it, too.
There was not a single moment where I had a thought without connecting it to someone else, and I was at complete burnout.
Who the fuck knew! I burned myself out by merely thinking about others. I still went out and did things. I still enjoyed my time, but I was doing it with someone, and I was always thinking about someone when I did things. Our therapist told me to take my me-time more personally.
I thought to myself, "Man! I do massages, acupuncture, and whatnot, but it's true. I always think, 'Oh! Josh or Mom would love this too!'"
So then I would just go with them instead of doing it on my own without the company of my loved ones, especially my husband.
So yesterday, for the first time, after lunch, I left the house with no agenda. I had so many excuses to stay home. It took all of me to leave alone. I grabbed a book that had nothing to do with learning and a headset, in case it was too loud wherever I decided to read. I thought to myself that Flying Star would be a good place to start. I love their bakery selection and their lattes and teas. I got into my Jeep and took off.
I had to drive through a place called the Village of Corrales, one of my favorite drives when I go into town. Flying Star is at the end of Corrales Road when it opens into town. So that's what I did, but as I headed that way, I thought about what was on my route and remembered there is a place called The Heritage House.
It was a new place, a five-bedroom inn that came with a café and event space for the public. A cute little historic house that got renovated for the public and opened last year.
I thought I should support a smaller local business and stopped there instead, making my drive shorter. I went in, grabbed an oatmeal cookie, ordered a latte, and walked around checking the place out as I waited for my drink.
I spotted a little pamphlet packet that said, "HISTORIC CORRALES - Self-Guided Walking Tour." It caught my interest enough to grab it and skim through it with my latte.
I put it down and looked at my watch. It was just before 1:30. I noticed the staff had started sweeping the floors, so I Googled them and found they were closing at 2.
Well, shit...
I looked at the packet I grabbed and thought to myself, "Well, this is gonna be my afternoon!"
But until then, I grabbed my book and read for half an hour.
I took a couple of pictures of the house and found there was a blue plaque on the property with the history of the house carved into it. I took a picture of that.
Long story short, that was my afternoon. I was finished by 4:30 and on my way home.
My favorite part was when I got to Ex Novo. Ex Novo is a brewery built on the land where a historic home once stood but was burned to a crisp by an unfortunate fire. There were also stories in the pamphlet about how the husband who owned the house shot and killed his wife and then died himself after being shot by the Sheriff's Posse. There were other unfortunate incidents as well.
I had to stop inside Ex Novo for a glass of IPA to cool down from the scorching hot New Mexico sun during the hottest part of the day. I told the bartender why I was there and that I needed to cool down. I asked him if he knew about the stories there, and he did. He told me that he doesn't believe in ghosts, but he and his coworkers have heard screams in the back of the property that he can't find explanations for.
He gave me a "local's discount" for being adventurous, and I stayed for about 40 minutes enjoying the book I brought.
Throughout my lone venture, I found myself thinking, this would have been more fun with Josh, Mom would have appreciated and enjoyed something like this, etc. I had to stop those thoughts as they came up and replace them with, this is my time.
I get to enjoy this as slowly as I want without rushing or being curious about whether or not they were enjoying it.
I am doing this for me. My curiosity. My time. My venture.
No one else.
Just for me.
I found myself looking out of the window, with my book in hand, and appreciating the feeling of being... just for me.
As I reflected on my month, I realized something.
These two struggles seem completely unrelated, but I think they are actually teaching me the same lesson.
Both are asking me to let go.
One is asking me to let go of control over Maya's future and trust that the right family will appear if that is the path we choose. The other is asking me to let go of the responsibility I have unknowingly carried for everyone else's happiness and well-being. One is about letting go of someone I love. The other is about returning to myself. Neither comes naturally to me.
In both situations, I find myself wanting certainty. I want guarantees. I want to know Maya will be loved exactly the way I love her. I want to know that if I start putting myself first occasionally, nobody will feel neglected or hurt. Life doesn't offer those guarantees.
What it does offer is the opportunity to trust. Trust the process. Trust the people I love. Most importantly, trust myself.
Maybe that is what June has been trying to teach me all along. Letting go isn't always about losing something. Sometimes it's about loosening your grip enough to allow something better to unfold.
For Maya.
For my marriage.
And for myself.
Through Courage Come Bliss.
Before you go...
If you enjoy these newsletters, you may also enjoy my show, Cat Unmuted.
It's a space where I have honest conversations about life's hardships, the lessons hidden inside them, and the courage it takes to keep moving forward. Some episodes are solo reflections, while future episodes will include guests who have faced their own challenges and found a way through them.
You can find them here: Cat Unmuted
As always, thank you for being here.
New on Cat Unmuted
This month, I had the privilege of sitting down with two incredible guests.
Heather Ballantine, a longtime friend from my military days and founder of Voices and Stories Studio, joined me for a conversation about storytelling, finding your voice, and the courage it takes to share your experiences with others.
Journey Pierre shared his own journey through life's challenges, the lessons he learned along the way, and how resilience can shape the person we become.
These conversations are exactly why I created Cat Unmuted: to explore the hardships, resilience, and growth that often emerge from the moments we never planned for.
